Merry Christmas

Wow...Christmas was over in a flash. It was a whirlwind of shopping and wrapping! This year is the first time I've ever waited until the last minute to do most of my shopping. The one thing I did like about that was being able to stick to my budget and list more than I usually do. I've been sick for a couple of weeks but am finally feeling better.

Christmas morning the girls woke me up early. They were out in the living room with the light on (that's what woke me up) at 4:30 am!! So, I let them finish going through their stocking stuff, then sent them back to bed for a little while. It was a good day. I guess none of us will ever have a Christmas without missing Megan so much it hurts. She would've loved it with everyone here and playing.

I have been off of work since Christmas Eve and have to go back tomorrow...UGH!! Not looking forward to that at all! I have enjoyed my time with the kids to just hang out and not be rushing around doing something all of the time. Yesterday the girls and I went to see Twilight...it was really good! Today I am taking them to see Bolt. I told Taryn that she could pick something today since she had to watch Twilight yesterday.

Anyway, I spent yesterday afternoon going through some of Megan's things and moving boxes out of my room and out of the garage into a closet in the office. Most of her things fit in there. It's weird to see this empty space where her stuff has been sitting for a long time but I thought it was time to not see it everyday when I get up. So, that was one thing checked off my list for the day that I completed. The rest of the day I watched a movie and played Mario Cart with the girls! :) Not super productive but SUPER fun!!

tattoo

I finally got my tattoo yesterday! It took about an hour and a half. It didn't hurt too much until towards the end so that part was better than I expected. I got it on my left shoulder blade. (I'll put a pic of it later) It is a little bigger than I had orginally planned but I love it! It's about 4 inches long...so not just huge. I am just not used to seeing this bright spot on my shoulder! It needed to be bigger so Megan's name could look just right. I was so excited when Madeline recognized it as Megan's writing...just what I wanted. So now, I am crinkly with saran wrap. I am relieved to have it over because I was pretty scared of it hurting. Ready for another one....look out Kat Von Dee!!! (just kidding..ouch!)

Got quite a bit of Christmas shopping done yesterday so that's got me a little more excited about the holidays.

My plans for today are:
clean kitchen
vacuum and sweep/mop all floors
laundry
put outside lights/decoration up

I'd better get busy! :)

earthquake

We had an earthquake in Oklahoma City last night. We felt it at my house around 8:30 pm. It sounded like something hit the back of the house and then the whole house vibrated enough to shake the beds and couch. It was very strange. Matthew and I went outside to see what was going on and we couldn't figure it out. This morning on the radio they were talking about the earthquake. Apparently the starting point was in North OKC. The side of my house that sounded like something hit it was the north side. Weird. It was a 2.5 I think...can't imagine what a huge one would be like...very scary I'm sure.

Let's see...what else...we survived the one year anniversary of Megan's death. Started creating a memory garden for her that day. It is at Mom and Dad's house. It is beautiful. We planted a rosebud tree, dogwood tree, tulip bulbs, pansies, 2 different hydranga plants (sp?) and a few other things. It will be so pretty in Spring when everything is blooming. Megan would love it!

Thanksgiving was okay I guess. Felt very strange. Shannon came home so it was good to see her. Haven't seen her since August 14th. Taryn has been very clingy since Shannon went home. It's driving me crazy a bit....I'm trying to be patient.

We have our Christmas tree up and it looks pretty. Nat and I went shopping Friday morning (4am) and I bought a new coat but no Christmas presents.

Oh---getting my tattoo Saturday afternoon. Can't wait!!

I've got breakfast in the crockpot. It will be ready at 7 in the morning. The kids won't know what to do having a hot breakfast. I'm feeling very productive getting that done. Go me!!

School

Well 3 of my kids started school this morning. Ds17 started his senior year. He is so excited! I have a feeling that it's gonna be a super long year for him and us!! Dd10 started 5th grade. She wasn't too excited about school but I'm sure it'll be a good year for her. Dd5 started Kindergarten. Her class has a pet rabbit named Bella. That is, of course, what she's most excited about. I'll put a pic up later.

more tiger safari...

Yeah, notice the look on my face and the girls faces with the snake! It's the funniest thing ever!

Tiger Safari

6 months...

Today is 6 months since we lost our precious Megan. Can't believe it's been that long. I wish I could just stay home and not get out of bed.

I am feeling so bad these days. No one understands what I go through everyday. I have never been this lonely in my entire life. :(

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to my sisters! Sorry it's a day late. Was afraid if I talked about it yesterday that I would start crying and I knew if I started I wouldn't be able to stop. The kids tried so hard to make it a good day so I didn't want to sit around crying.

Anyway, hope you both had a great day! I love you!

It's been a busy couple of weeks. I've had a sinus infection and finally went to the dr. about my hair falling out. He thinks maybe a thyroid issue?? Hopefully he'll figure it out. I go back on Wednesday. Dd5 has fifths disease. I have never heard of it before now. She has just been covered in an ugly red rash over most of her upper body. The doctor said it's only contagious for 2 or 3 days before the rash shows up. So, sorry to Julie because dd5 was at her house for at least one of those days. But it hasn't been a big deal. It's not itchy like poison ivy....thank goodness. Anyway, gotta get back to work.

For the first time in my life I have thin hair (for me anyway). My hair is falling out like crazy. I thought maybe it was just stress and would slow down. But I think it's getting worse. I am now having to get it off of my pillow in the morning. And I've gotten three mysterious bruises since last week. They just appear and really hurt. Don't know what's going on. So, definitely making an appointment with the doctor tomorrow.

Walked for the third night in a row and feel great about it!

Let me just say this today....I don't like it when people sneak around and check my email and stuff like that. I mean, I have nothing to hide, I just think it's rude. It makes me feel like a kid. I don't go anywhere or do anything without my kids. What could I possibly be doing??? No idea what people think I do since I'm always either at home or work or driving in between. Oh yeah, sometimes I go grocery shopping...maybe that's where I"m getting into mischief.

Some people just amaze me. It's been a frustating day. I don't understand how mothers can just leave their children. I don't understand why I'm good enough to raise children for 13 years now but still not good enough to be acknowledged as their mother. You can be someone's mother without giving birth to them. I've done it now for many years.

Don't understand why such a double standard where child support is concerned. I'm sure if my husband had ever missed child support he would have been in jail....much less not paid any for 5 years now.

It also pisses me off that certain people who haven't even been around for years seem to come out of the woodwork when someone dies. I'm amazed that no one from the other side of the family even asked about funeral expenses or how we would pay the thousands of dollars that it cost yet felt entitled to call the funeral home to tell them what kind of funeral they wanted. People are just unbelievable!

The funeral home called and want us to come by Monday. They said they have things they didn't give us. UGGHHHHH! I don't want to go there again. It's awful. I detour so I don't even have to drive by it, I sure don't want to walk back in there. I think the smell might make me sick. I can smell it now when I think about it.

Tomorrow is 5 months without Megan. The most horrible time of my life. Megan was the greatest daughter. I don't get how God can let her be in such pain like that when such terrible people live. I miss her so much. I will never be as close to anyone as I was to her. I am so lucky that I got to have her in my life.

Okay, enough with my random thoughts......off to watch a movie with the kids.

I LOVE this picture of Megan and Becca. Megan looks truly happy. I miss her so much it's hurts everyday. Who could've ever predicted 5 months ago that they would be together in Heaven?

Someone asked me today how many kids I had and for some reason I didn't really know what to say. I guess I'll just say what I've always said and hope they don't ask where they all are or anything like that.

funerals April 8, 2008 •

I went to Becca’s funeral on Saturday. It was really pretty. There was one of my favorite pictures of her and Megan in her slide show. That made me happy. Megan would’ve loved that. I did okay except when I looked at the casket. It was exactly like Megan’s and all I could think was that I wished it was Megan’s in front of me again just so I could touch her one more time. I think maybe I”m losing it…..

This is on my birthday (March 28th) after dinner.

My 10 year old birthday girl!!

March 1, 2008 •
It’s been a busy week. Dd4 has been sick with a kidney infection since Tuesday. I have never seen anyone have one that bad. She was laying in the bathroom floor doubled over crying. It was AWFUL!! She is feeling lots better now.

I am waiting on the copy of Megan’s file to get here from the police dept. They said either today or Monday. Kind of hoping for it to come today so I can quit worrying about it getting here. It’s making my stomach hurt today!

February 26, 2008 • I got a call from dd4’s teacher around noon today that she wasn’t feeling well. Went to pick her up and she layed around watching movies all afternoon. I thought she had perked up but now is feeling worse again. So, since I couldn’t get an appt with her dr. until 8:45 in the morning…..we are headed to urgent care. I am going to try to get a urine sample. That should be interesting. The nurse thinks she has a bladder infection. Yuck!!

February 24, 2008 • This is what I did today (Sunday). Finally got dd9’s “new” bed set up. It was mine growing up. It’s neat for her to have it now. She is very excited to not have a twin bed and be able to spread out. Mollie thinks the extra room is just for her…..she’s excited too!

February 24, 2008 •
We decided Saturday morning to try the ear piercing thing again. It’s been almost 3 years since the first time so I think it’s going to go better….hopefull

February 23, 2008 • Our first daffodil bloomed last Monday. We were so excited because they usually mean Spring! Tuesday it got cold and icy again……UGH!

This is ds16 taking pics of himself with his new phone. Yes, he always looks this excited!!

Hair disasters… February 21, 2008 •
So, we went to spend the afternoon with dd18 last Saturday. She had been attempting to dye her hair back blonde from dark brown. Well, it didn’t work AT ALL. So, we spent all Sunday afternoon at the hair salon trying to salvage it. Not sure about the end result…..see for yourself.

February 21, 2008 •
This is Kitty and Mollie (our little camera hog).

February 21, 2008 •
I LOVE this picture of my sweet Breda. She is 13 years and 8 months old.

February 21, 2008 •
Playing with my new camera on Valentine’s Day.

V-Day 2008 February 20, 2008 •
My husband got me a great new camera for Valentine’s Day. So, I’m finally taking pictures again. I’ve got lots to post so get ready.

February 19, 2008 •
3 months today…….don’t really have much else on my mind.

February 19, 2008 • No Comments
I am trying really hard to start a “new” life. I feel like I have to for myself and for my family. I have joined Weight Watchers and have started walking again. I have learned that life is way too short to always be waiting until tomorrow to do what makes us happy.

I miss Megan more than anyone could possibly know. I ache to hold her, hear her voice and see her smile. I wonder if that will ever go away. I wonder if there will ever be a day that I don’t wake up counting the days since I talked to her that last time…..94 days today. It feels like a lifetime already. How will I ever make it without her? I have cried a lot tonight and can’t seem to stop. Think I will just take medicine and go to sleep….maybe I will dream that she’s here again.

I am having such a hard time. I try to be okay for my family but I don't know how much longer I can put on this fake smile. I feel like an empty shell, totally dead inside. I am haunted by images in my head. Images of poor Megan on her chair and how she must have felt at that moment. I can't get away from it!